I wanted to start this series by outlining some problems we have in the DNA of 'our callings' and how it sits with wives and husbands. This is a complexity that we have had to walk out so rather than this being theory, we have been dragged through this personally.
Firstly Christians are the ones who have legitimate distractions. This is what we perceive as God's calling. The work we do for the Lord can have two forms. One is the thing that is so rife in the Church - people running around doing works that are not specifically God's sending. These are not always error. Social action flows from a heart of compassion. Problems begin when we label our own embarkation on meeting needs as 'God's calling.' Social action may sit as a parenthesis of God's bigger picture yet if we call the works 'Gods call' we will miss the sending He may be preparing us for in the clamor to be validated in our tent making. This is another issue I don't want to focus on here yet is a serious problem for the Church.
In all cases, sent or not sent by God, it still falls onto the wife to serve the husband. However if this is not carried out in the way the Lord intended it, there can be problems. I had to readdress my thinking on this some time ago and what the Lord showed me was breaking to me yet exactly what was needed. What I did was calibrate myself towards the perceived calling of God and my wife was my help meet to see that calling out. I didn't pull this teaching out of the sky or base it on a superior mindset towards women. It is a popular belief in the Church. Also it isn't entirely in error. What happens is we prioritize the 'mission' over our partners. "But isn't the salvation of the lost (for example) of primary importance?" Frankly, no. It is... but not at the expense of the Holy union He has called us to in our marriage.
I didn't understand that for some time and as I aspired to follow my perception of God's calling my wife was more and more not getting the core investment from me that she needed. My core investment was in my calling and to my shame I had to admit that my perceived calling met my core deficits. Meanwhile my wife was coping with my expectations as a husband but the object of my affection was that which met my inner deficits. "Wow Gary how screwed up are you?" Oh Lots! But I think many have this issue and sadly this breaks up marriages. Allow me to illustrate it slightly differently:
Imagine the perfect marriage is two tuning forks resonating with the Lord's frequency. Both the wife and the husband are able to engage each other because they are both resonating with the glory and life of Jesus, our risen king. Now if these two go to a place where the husband is filled with mission opportunities, he may begin to resonate with that. Now because it is related to the 'Lord's work' it seems alright to have this 'frequency' resonating. Now the expectation is that the wife also resonates with the heart of the perceived calling and be the 'help meet' she is supposed to be. We have a problem. No calling from God shifts the focus from the Lord himself. All legitimate callings to a Husband and wife will protect and secure the mutual resonating in Christ. Because the church generally teaches that 'Mission' is the focus and purpose of the church most couples never really get hooked up with Christ as He is, risen and glorified.
With both husband and wife out of sync there are many complexities as to why this can cause disunity and problems. Typically it is the wife who has to put up with the issues as the husband gets his 'fix' through his works. The wife longs to be met by her husband and because she isn't the whole thing becomes a drudgery. Next time I'll try to get over how to solve this issue.
Gary Ward
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